Summer, the last pieces

I found out what operational unit I'm going to this summer, as well as which phases will be what. For the first phase (half-ish) of my summer I'll be going to Guam and will be attached to our unit there, and then I'll go to Sandia National Lab in NM. I was bummed with the news that Sandia was second phase, as that means I will be missing Shane's wedding. Perhaps if the operational unit had been one closer to Texas I could have made it, but with it being on the other side of the world it is not a possibility. The silver lining, though, is that if I'm going to be forced to miss his wedding I may as well be somewhere awesome instead, and I think Guam, if for no other reason than it is extremely isolated and rather exotic, fits the bill. Overall, I was stoked about this upcoming summer before I was assigned to Guam, but now even more than before I am excited to get this summer started!

In other news, we sign for our career stater loans tomorrow, a very large sum of money that I will owe (albeit at almost negligible interest). So crazy, the time has truly flown by. I can't believe that I will most likely be purchasing my own truck this summer. Absolute madness.

Also of interest, Ring Dance is coming up in about a month and a half. For those of you unfamiliar with service academy tradition, Ring Dance is a formal event where cadets are all dressed up in their best dinner formal attire, traditionally accompanied by dates, and are presented with their class rings during the course of an exquisite meal. After the meal there is dancing and "hanging out" in a very formal sort of way.Unfortunately, I don't know anyone outside of the Academy up here that I would like to ask as a date, and being 2200 miles from home eliminates the possibility of going with any of my good friends from home, which leaves me with two choices. Either ask someone who goes to this school or go on a blind date set up by a friend from here. The first option is almost not an option at all, there's only one person I would even consider going with (it's a long story), and I'm really hoping to exhaust all other possibilities before that. Besides, I am thinking she might already have a date. Anyway, this leaves me with the option of going on a blind date, which is also highly risky and just not something I've ever subjected myself to. It's all quite unfortunate - I really wish my school was closer to home and the people I know I can trust! Oh well, I'll get over it and figure something out. The prospect of Ring Dance in and of itself is too exciting to let this be the aspect which clouds the memory of the occasion!

Until next time
-Storm

Last Night

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've been struggling with knowing what God has planned for me, especially concerning one particular girl that I see when I make it back home to Texas. If I followed my own advice I would have just told her how I felt, but for the longest time that seemed like an unwise choice and when I prayed about it I never felt at peace with that decision. That is, until this last time. I really felt like I should have an open conversation on the topic with her, and even though I hung out with her the night before I left it never happened. I felt pretty bad about it, and the entire next day as I flew back to the Academy I felt as though I had missed an important opportunity. I took advantage of the long flight hours to do some praying, trying to find out if God really wanted me to move forward with this deal. For the first time I felt like God wanted me to finally be honest with her.

So I called her last night. It was somewhat hard for me to do, people say that guys have a hard time talking about their feelings and unfortunately I am no exception. The surprising thing was that she thought we had already covered this about a year and half ago, which I don't remember. I know I had asked if she had wanted to go to a military formal when I got back home, but other than that we had never talked about us. Regardless, we talked last night. I asked her how she viewed our relationship, then told her how I felt. That part went surprisingly well, God really helped me through the whole thing. The outcome was rather predictable, for me at least. After I gave my spill she told me that she thought I was a good guy and a great friend, and although she wasn't completely opposed to the idea of us dating later she didn't think it was a good idea for the present time. She really appreciated me being honest with her, she said it is always nice when guys will actually share how they feel.

Effectively, she was turning me down. I wasn't too upset though, I completely understand not wanting to jump into a long-distance relationship like that, especially in the early stages of college and without a very solid prior-existing relationship as a foundation. She was very kind and considerate about the whole deal, I was thankful for that. We understand each other and agree with decisions we were able to make. I told her to feel free to call if she ever needed anything, but that I wouldn't necessarily be making an effort to stay in touch this semester as I had in semesters previous. She said that was a good idea and then basically wished me a good semester.

I'm very happy I followed God's direction and was honest with her. It's so much better to be honest with someone, and it was killing me to not be open with her even though I felt that was God's leading up until now. When I got off the phone I realized that at this point it was completely in God's hands, so I prayed and asked God to take the relationship into His hands so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. It was a very freeing experience. I don't know what His plans are for the relationship, if there even are any, but I am at peace with the fact that at this point those plans will not authored by me and in fact won't be authored at all unless by Him.

That should just about get it for my touchy feely feelings for a while, remember to always follow God's direction, and when in doubt just be honest with people. Also, it's okay to be single while you're waiting on God. You'll be happy you did!

-Storm

New Years

First off, happy new year to all of you!

Secondly, why is the end of my military leave always so...depressing? I really hate that word, it is overused by people too lazy to get up and deal with their problems. However, I'll admit that for a few days every time I come home I get depressed. Thankfully there's a fail-safe cure - reading my Bible and working out. It works every time!

Usually, this is where my train of thought ends. But I'm just tired of it. Why do I have to deal with this every time I'm home? And why at the end of leave? Obviously there's a reason. I believe its a combination of a few things, namely:

1. I really love being home, and no matter what I'm going back to it never seems to measure up to being home (especially in the winter).

2. A girl.

#1 is pretty self explanatory. I've made incredible friends up at the Academy, they're my best friends by far, now. Even as I write this I am reflecting on those relationships and realize that I miss seeing them, even though it's been a mere two weeks since I've last seen them. Even so, Texas is amazing and miss it as soon as I leave.

#2 is a bit harder to explain. There's this one girl that has held me captive off and on for the past 2 1/2 - 3 years - and the only "off times" during that time span were times when I managed to convince myself to giver her up. And this is pathetic. I realize that. Here's the story:

I met her just a few months before leaving for the Academy. I barely knew her when I left, but I was fascinated with her. She wrote me a few times over that first summer of boot camp, which was awesome. Then during that first year when I unfortunately let all my previous relationships go by the wayside I think she moved on. I honestly have no idea whether or not we would have had anything, but I'm fairly certain that at this point she sees us as no more than friends. I've tried keeping in contact with her, tried getting to know her better, and all to very little avail. During my second summer, while standing watch in the northern atlantic ocean on a ship, she still managed to creep into my thoughts. It would be freezing cold outside, driving sleet, my survival suit sleeves would be iced over, and I absolutely hated my life. Yet in those dark, wee hours of the morning I couldn't help but think about her. It's been that way for most of my time at the Academy.

When I'm home I usually manage to see her once or twice during the break, usually over a meal or something of that nature. If it's just us it's amazing. We have great conversations and I always come away from it on cloud nine. Sadly, many of the meetings we've had were with her friends. She's a couple years younger than I and went to a private school, so up until this break her friends have been these close-knit private school kids with whom I have nothing in common and I usually end up sitting with them but not able to contribute anything to the conversations at hand. Really awkward, more awkward than an awkward turtle.

At this point most would ask my why I haven't told her of my feelings. I don't have a solid answer. The best answer I can give is that it feels like that would be a terrible thing to do. As I previously mentioned, we don't know each other very well. Further, we live over 2000 miles apart, and I only come home about 2 times a year. I think my fear is that if I told her how I feel that would make what relationship we have even more awkward and what little we have would fall apart. On the other hand, perhaps I'm just super chicken. She's this amazing, beautiful girl that I talk with only occasionally and I'm considering telling her that I've been head over heels for her for years? Maybe I'm afraid of the long-distance relationship. Am I really considering asking out a girl that I'll live 2000 miles away from for most of the year, seeing her only a handful of times (at best), without any firm relationship foundation? Would I even be capable of making that work? And what about her? Is that fair of me to ask that much of her? I think the answer is no, that wouldn't be fair of me.

If I followed my own advice that I have given to many others, I would tell her my true feelings. If nothing else I owe her that, and even if I get rejected I'd feel much better about it myself. Didn't Jesus say something to the extent of "The truth will set you free"? Man, dangerous words, those. Maybe it's the fact that I'm writing this at 2 am, maybe I just needed to hash this out, but this seems like the wisest choice. Maybe being completely open and honest with her is the first step to working through the depressing last few days of leave that perpetually plague the tail end of my leave... Or maybe I'll just go read my Bible, work out, and feel completely refreshed like always.

I'll keep you posted

-Storm

Girls...encouragement for single dudes

My education program is rather unique for a couple reasons. First, I can only visit home for about 3 weeks at a time, and that happens only twice a year. Secondly, there is not even 1 girl at my institution that I could see myself getting into a serious relationship with. Or even a half-way serious relationship. Or, for that matter, any real relationship at all outside of friendship. That is not to say there are no good girls at my school, nor that I do not have any female friends there - because I do. I am friends with almost every girl at my school, and many back home also.

Here's my problem: every time I come home for a while and relax, visit friends, etc, I really, really start longing for a girlfriend. This is a problem that I have spend many nights in prayer over, and finally got an answer for last night. First, though, some background.

My family is extremely conservative. They were, for the longest time, of the opinion that all three of their boys would "court" their woman before marriage. This was fine to us, until we realized just how near-impossible that would be in this day of age, and how finding someone else who'd actually go for courting would be like trying to find Swarovsky crystal at the thrift mart. So the whole "dating" / "courting" issue with my parents never has been layed out for us and is, to this day, a bit of a gray area (I have decided to approach them about it before I leave for school again).

The other problem, which I was getting at earlier, is that if I want a relationship with a girl it will most likely have to be a girl from around home, because although there are some great people near where my school is, I just haven't yet found a girl to compare with some of the quality Texas gals I grew up with.

Back to the issue. If I am to have a relationship it appears as of now that it will have to be a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are quite hard on both parties - I know of only one couple who has made that work well, and at my school that is what most people try to make work. So far, I haven't met a girl that I'm attracted to here at home that is willing to make that work. This results in much prayer on my part every time I come home because I desire so badly to have a some form of relationship like that.

Last night was one of those nights, all day I had been feeling pretty blue and angry so that by night I just started praying about it all. God's answer was quick and simple: "I have told you to wait, and you must continue to wait" But God, I have waited for twenty years already. "You are a mechanical engineering student, you don't even have time right now. Wait and I will reward." I am stubborn, But I can make time Lord. "This will be so much easier if you act bravely." That is when it hit me. I had a mental image of me happily spending my time on leave just hanging out with friends, content with what I have already. Sometimes we must wait on the Lord, trust him at his word. We know that God rewards those who follow his commands, and we know that he rewards well. Why not have a good attitude?

I have just finished the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. He talks about how we, as men, sometimes must take the road less traveled, and do the unpopular, hard task. It all sounds easy, inspiring even, but when it comes down to it that task is still hard and it's a hard choice to make. For me, and for every single guy out there who has been told "Wait" by God, this is what we must do for now.

Moral of the story: those of us who have been told to wait, it is our calling as men of the Lord to wait for His plan for our lives. I am, and you can also. Remember who you serve, and take pride in His promise for your life. The reward cannot be matched.

Storm