Last Night

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've been struggling with knowing what God has planned for me, especially concerning one particular girl that I see when I make it back home to Texas. If I followed my own advice I would have just told her how I felt, but for the longest time that seemed like an unwise choice and when I prayed about it I never felt at peace with that decision. That is, until this last time. I really felt like I should have an open conversation on the topic with her, and even though I hung out with her the night before I left it never happened. I felt pretty bad about it, and the entire next day as I flew back to the Academy I felt as though I had missed an important opportunity. I took advantage of the long flight hours to do some praying, trying to find out if God really wanted me to move forward with this deal. For the first time I felt like God wanted me to finally be honest with her.

So I called her last night. It was somewhat hard for me to do, people say that guys have a hard time talking about their feelings and unfortunately I am no exception. The surprising thing was that she thought we had already covered this about a year and half ago, which I don't remember. I know I had asked if she had wanted to go to a military formal when I got back home, but other than that we had never talked about us. Regardless, we talked last night. I asked her how she viewed our relationship, then told her how I felt. That part went surprisingly well, God really helped me through the whole thing. The outcome was rather predictable, for me at least. After I gave my spill she told me that she thought I was a good guy and a great friend, and although she wasn't completely opposed to the idea of us dating later she didn't think it was a good idea for the present time. She really appreciated me being honest with her, she said it is always nice when guys will actually share how they feel.

Effectively, she was turning me down. I wasn't too upset though, I completely understand not wanting to jump into a long-distance relationship like that, especially in the early stages of college and without a very solid prior-existing relationship as a foundation. She was very kind and considerate about the whole deal, I was thankful for that. We understand each other and agree with decisions we were able to make. I told her to feel free to call if she ever needed anything, but that I wouldn't necessarily be making an effort to stay in touch this semester as I had in semesters previous. She said that was a good idea and then basically wished me a good semester.

I'm very happy I followed God's direction and was honest with her. It's so much better to be honest with someone, and it was killing me to not be open with her even though I felt that was God's leading up until now. When I got off the phone I realized that at this point it was completely in God's hands, so I prayed and asked God to take the relationship into His hands so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. It was a very freeing experience. I don't know what His plans are for the relationship, if there even are any, but I am at peace with the fact that at this point those plans will not authored by me and in fact won't be authored at all unless by Him.

That should just about get it for my touchy feely feelings for a while, remember to always follow God's direction, and when in doubt just be honest with people. Also, it's okay to be single while you're waiting on God. You'll be happy you did!

-Storm

Friends, sometimes a challenge is good.

Over the past few months I've been talking some with a semi new friend, we'll call her Hope, that I made through physics studying back home and our new church. She's been a great help in getting through some hard days, and I like to think that I've been a good help to her in some problems she's been dealing with, too.

About a week ago she, out of the blue, asked me if I thought that a certain girl, we'll call Jewel, still likes me. This girl, for the record, is the same one that I talked about earlier when I was saying that I discovered that the only girl I've every truly felt for doesn't actually like me. So, I told Hope that I thought my old crush doesn't like me anymore, although she may have before. Hope disagreed, saying that she thought I was wrong, and followed up by asking whether I like her still. I was amused by this for two reasons, I have never told Hope that I like Jewel, and of course, I still liked Jewel, but instead of answering the question I dodged it by asking how she knew I used to like Jewel. Hope was giving in, she asked me "Let me put it this way, if you knew she liked you, would you like her?" I decided to be honest, and replied, "Honestly? I'd be head over heels for her."

We talked a bit more, and the general conclusion from the conversation was that she might still like me, but she may not. In any event it was up to me to tell her my feelings and until I do I won't get either the relationship or the closure that will allow me to move on. The funny thing is, this was not news to me at all, in fact I most likely would have given the same counsel to any friend of mine, had they approached me with the same situation. So, next time I'm home I've decided I will make sure to have a talk with this girl, Jewel, and let her know where I stand. At this point, it is a win-win situation for me because if she has the same feelings for me then that is great, and if she doesn't, then at least I have closure and I can start trying to move on (painful as it may be).

There are three things that I've noticed about this whole experience that I wanted to share.
1) If you have feelings for a girl, be honest with her. It's not going to hurt you, she can't take anything away from you by rejection, and I think a lot of guys will find that most girls, even if they are not interested, aren't going to be super rude about it or anything like that. You are still who you are, and if you continue to trust God, He will show you the way.
2) Sometimes it might be helpful to completely remove yourself from the situation and try to give yourself advice as if you were not the person in question. I don't know how this works in relationships, because that means removing almost all emotion from the picture - which is hard. But heck, it's worth a try.
3) And for all other times when you can't seem to fix the issue yourself, often it takes a friend to help you out. But not just any kiss-up friend, sometimes you need a friend to challenge you. When I was talking with Hope, I started getting a little agitated a few times, but I didn't show that to her because I knew that she was right and I needed the challenging. On the flip side, perhaps you are that friend for someone. Don't be afraid to challenge your friends. Don't be rude, but remember that we all need a kick to get going from time to time, and maybe one of your friends needs that from you!

As for Jewel, when I go home next (spring break) I will talk with her. I'll keep you all updated, I'm sure!

Storm

A funny thing happens when we have too much

A funny thing happens when we have too much time - we waste it. I have discovered more and more that when I have excess of something, it is easier for me to squander it. This past summer I had about the same amount of leave as I have had for Christmas this year. Last summer, however, I was basically guiding a friend around west Texas. We took a little over a week and covered more than 1700 miles of west and southern Texas, and had a great time doing it. Once he left to spend time with his own family, I only had around 1 week of leave left over and I made very good use of it. I spent time with all of my friends that were in town, played basketball with them, etc. This leave, however, I really haven't made good use of my time. I had nothing planned, and consequently, nothing really got done. I hung out with some friends, met one for racquetball (and am now sitting around waiting for a rolled ankle to heal), and realized that the one girl I have every really loved isn't interested in being more than a friend to me.

I have started noticing a pattern. As a mechanical engineering student I often have an extreme load of homework. I realized this past semester that, regardless of how much homework I had I always finished up around the same time. Even on nights when I had virtually no homework due, I would find ways to distract myself until fairly late, and finally finish up my homework around the same time as usual. This epiphany has got me thinking. If I usually waste what I have excess of in these two areas, perhaps this is a common theme with me. What else do I waste because I have too much of? Immediately it hits me. What is the one thing that has been given to me freely, without end? God's love for me, and for all mankind. Am I wasting the love of my Savior?

I am now thinking about how I treat others. Do I share the love with others like Jesus has shared with me? Just as important: Do I accept the love of Jesus for myself? Or do I know it is there, know it is abundant, and refuse to accept all He has for me? I would submit that yes, I do in fact squander God's love for me, and I don't show the love that He has called us to pour out on those around us.

For any of you who are in the same boat as I am, I encourage you to think about how you deal with the things you have been blessed with having an abundance of (sorry if this feels like a sermon, this is just my musing of the day). Whether it be money, time, Love, or anything else, remember that God has called us to be stewards of everything we are given! I am working on that for myself...

Storm