Secondly, why is the end of my military leave always so...depressing? I really hate that word, it is overused by people too lazy to get up and deal with their problems. However, I'll admit that for a few days every time I come home I get depressed. Thankfully there's a fail-safe cure - reading my Bible and working out. It works every time!
Usually, this is where my train of thought ends. But I'm just tired of it. Why do I have to deal with this every time I'm home? And why at the end of leave? Obviously there's a reason. I believe its a combination of a few things, namely:
1. I really love being home, and no matter what I'm going back to it never seems to measure up to being home (especially in the winter).
2. A girl.
#1 is pretty self explanatory. I've made incredible friends up at the Academy, they're my best friends by far, now. Even as I write this I am reflecting on those relationships and realize that I miss seeing them, even though it's been a mere two weeks since I've last seen them. Even so, Texas is amazing and miss it as soon as I leave.
#2 is a bit harder to explain. There's this one girl that has held me captive off and on for the past 2 1/2 - 3 years - and the only "off times" during that time span were times when I managed to convince myself to giver her up. And this is pathetic. I realize that. Here's the story:
I met her just a few months before leaving for the Academy. I barely knew her when I left, but I was fascinated with her. She wrote me a few times over that first summer of boot camp, which was awesome. Then during that first year when I unfortunately let all my previous relationships go by the wayside I think she moved on. I honestly have no idea whether or not we would have had anything, but I'm fairly certain that at this point she sees us as no more than friends. I've tried keeping in contact with her, tried getting to know her better, and all to very little avail. During my second summer, while standing watch in the northern atlantic ocean on a ship, she still managed to creep into my thoughts. It would be freezing cold outside, driving sleet, my survival suit sleeves would be iced over, and I absolutely hated my life. Yet in those dark, wee hours of the morning I couldn't help but think about her. It's been that way for most of my time at the Academy.
When I'm home I usually manage to see her once or twice during the break, usually over a meal or something of that nature. If it's just us it's amazing. We have great conversations and I always come away from it on cloud nine. Sadly, many of the meetings we've had were with her friends. She's a couple years younger than I and went to a private school, so up until this break her friends have been these close-knit private school kids with whom I have nothing in common and I usually end up sitting with them but not able to contribute anything to the conversations at hand. Really awkward, more awkward than an awkward turtle.
At this point most would ask my why I haven't told her of my feelings. I don't have a solid answer. The best answer I can give is that it feels like that would be a terrible thing to do. As I previously mentioned, we don't know each other very well. Further, we live over 2000 miles apart, and I only come home about 2 times a year. I think my fear is that if I told her how I feel that would make what relationship we have even more awkward and what little we have would fall apart. On the other hand, perhaps I'm just super chicken. She's this amazing, beautiful girl that I talk with only occasionally and I'm considering telling her that I've been head over heels for her for years? Maybe I'm afraid of the long-distance relationship. Am I really considering asking out a girl that I'll live 2000 miles away from for most of the year, seeing her only a handful of times (at best), without any firm relationship foundation? Would I even be capable of making that work? And what about her? Is that fair of me to ask that much of her? I think the answer is no, that wouldn't be fair of me.
If I followed my own advice that I have given to many others, I would tell her my true feelings. If nothing else I owe her that, and even if I get rejected I'd feel much better about it myself. Didn't Jesus say something to the extent of "The truth will set you free"? Man, dangerous words, those. Maybe it's the fact that I'm writing this at 2 am, maybe I just needed to hash this out, but this seems like the wisest choice. Maybe being completely open and honest with her is the first step to working through the depressing last few days of leave that perpetually plague the tail end of my leave... Or maybe I'll just go read my Bible, work out, and feel completely refreshed like always.
I'll keep you posted
-Storm
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